About two weeks ago, a very strange thing happened. I woke up one morning and realised I had no pain in my body. This had happened once or twice before, but somehow this felt different. Not only was I pain-free, but I felt energised, joyful and light. And the strangest part was, the feeling actually lasted all day. It was totally surreal. I went for a long walk, danced my heart out at a 5Rhythms class, I had lunch with friends and I stayed out almost all day. My auto-pilot thought was that I needed to go home, go straight to bed and brace myself for the epic pain and fatigue that was sure to follow such a “full on” day. But it never came. So after a while I got up, did some laundry, cooked a meal and then went for a night-time stroll down to the ocean (I can’t even remember the last time I did that).
It felt like this miraculous day had happened overnight, like the chronic pain light switch had suddenly been turned off. But really, it was more like a dimmer switch being slowly turned down. For months, experiencing 7/10 pain was a good day. I was taking codeine daily. Then gradually the pain came down and I would simply take the maximum amount of paracetamol and ibuprofen each day. After a few more weeks I realised I was only taking paracetamol once or twice a day (except during my period, that’s a whole other story). Until finally the miraculous day came when I needed nothing at all. Two weeks later, I am still almost completely without pain. My brain can’t comprehend it and is still constantly searching, on high alert, convinced there must be some sort of pain. Every now and again (like when I’m stressed at work) the pain does flare up. I do not stop myself from taking something if I need it. I just make a deal with myself that I can take something after ten minutes, but in the mean time I can take long deep breaths, say positive affirmations and stretch out my muscles. Almost every time the pain settles back down before the ten minutes is up. It’s empowering to know there are tools I can use to support my body to regulate itself, rather than having no option but drugs.
I’m not deluding myself that my pain will never return. Given where I am in my moon cycle I am aware things will almost certainly flare up again in the next week or so. I accept that there will continue to be ups and downs along this journey, but after being at mental and emotional breaking point only a few weeks ago and feeling there was no light at the end of the tunnel, I am ridiculously grateful for this respite. This is the longest period of time I have been pain free in over a year and to me, it is a clear sign that my natural healing plan is working – my body is healing. It is also a much-needed injection of hope that I have plenty more pain-free days to come. It has given me so much motivation to keep going with all my natural treatments. And if nothing else, I know after this break I will be much more able to cope mentally and emotionally if and when the pain does come back. I am truly so grateful to feel free in my body right now, even if it’s only for a little while. My wish for all endo sisters (and anyone with chronic illness) is that they can experience even a few moments of freedom, of beauty, of gratitude, of sparkliness in their body. Because even a moment or two can feel like a miracle.